Self-Inflicted Hibernation

I am not smiling in that first photo.
I am trying to get my tears to unfreeze.
Today brought snow to Denmark.

I should have been more prepared, I'll admit.  It began snowing earlier in the week.  I could see it starting to come down and fervently tried to ignore it (I spent two hours pinning photos of beach houses on Pinterest), but then Tim came in and said, "WOW!  The snowflakes are as big as my head!"  After that I lost all touch with reality.  (I live in a nice little state of denial every November through March, which is why it comes as such a nasty shock to me when I am forced to venture outside my apartment and realize it is not, in fact, the middle of summer.)

And then Saturday came, with overcast skies, white snow, slushy slippery streets, and the worst kind of wind in the history of all winds: biting, slicing, kung-fu-category wind.  Seriously, if it weren't for the wind, I might not mind a Danish winter.  It gets just as cold in Georgia and I survive that.  I strap myself to three space-heaters and if I ever have to go outside, I only walk the three feet between my front door and car.  That way, I don't have to actually dress for the weather.  Of course, I don't have a car here, so my summer wardrobe (sun-dresses, flimsy tank-tops, what have you) is completely useless to me.

But even when I am at my smartest (sweater, fleece jacket, Land's End snow coat, stockings, jeans, two pairs of wool socks, a huge scarf, a hood, mittens, and my hiking boots, and yes, for those of you who know me well and are now thinking 'Yeah right, Lauren's never worn that much clothing in her LIFE,' I DO wear it in Denmark), and I am STILL COLD.  Because of the wind.

For the first time in my life I wish I was fat (naturally after moving here I lost an unnecessary 8.5 lbs and am now the skinniest I've ever been), or owned a big huge shaggy dog (so he could periodically sit on me when I lose feeling in my arms and legs), or could grow a nice heavy-duty beard to keep my face warm, at the very least.    But nooooo.  I'm considering ordering one of those full-coverage arctic sleeping bags (with the hood), and just hopping around everywhere I need to go.

And if you think that would make me look silly, picture this: Here comes the short American who lives on the third floor, bundled to the nines like a big round thing that would probably roll if kicked, bravely venturing outside her front door into the horrid cold.  Oh, nope, wait, a mere three feet from the door she stops, starts screaming RETREAT! RETREAT! and then runs back inside her building, full force, leaving her small child behind.  This happens five, six more times that week, and then finally she disappears forever.  She may have died up there on the third floor, and you'll never know.

... It's either that or I'm getting on the first bus I see, and I will stay on it forever or until it dies, whichever comes first.

Lucky Little Isaac hasn't got this problem.  He's like his dad.  He is his own, fully-functioning space heater (the one piece flight suit doesn't hurt, either).  By the time we've walked a mile, he just starts peeling off layers because, get this, he doesn't need them.  Some lady in the library the other day started yelling at me in Danish, and I turned around to see that my kid had been leaving articles of clothing behind him all the way through the courtyard and foyer, and well into the children's section - a hat here, a glove there, a shoe ... somewhere (where is that thing?).  I suppose she was too polite to just approach me and say, "Hey lady, your kid is shedding."

Now, whenever we enter any place of business, we must immediately say, "Isaac, do not take off your clothing."  ... And sometimes Tim will add "Or your mother will wear it herself."

That having been said, I am going into self-inflicted hibernation.  
I will resurface in the spring, or sometime next July.  

Goodbye, world.

Other Blog Posts About Being Cold:

And yes, for anyone who asks,
I am still thinking of getting one of these.
Even if my family disowns me for it.
(And even if I can't quite figure out how to get it on.)

(source for the what's-it-thingy)


  1. For me, that outfit would be pointless as its my feet that are ALWAYS the most cold.

    I totally feel for you though - cold wind makes winter exponentially worse.

  2. This is all I will say: http://www.sleepingbagsuits.co.uk/musucbag-classic-adults-blue.html

  3. You could try this: http://www.snorgtees.com/hats/long-barbarian-hat

    Then tell them it's all the rage in America. Specifically for skinny, caucasian girls. :P

    I'm sorry your a Lauren-sicle. If it helps, it hasn't been much warmer here. No snow, just gray, windy skies that periodically drip on the already-squishy ground. :P

    Also, I think you should know that you're the best lookin' chick on the third floor. Joe said.

  4. in the middle of your winter misery, you still write hilarious blog posts. i laughed all the way through this thing.

    hope the sun comes out and melts all that cold away for you soon!

  5. Do they sell electric blankets in Denmark? It's like taking a hot shower without getting wet, in my opinion.

    It is very windy here too. Today we had wind advisories with gusts up to 55mph, brrr. Cuts right through you! That's what we get for living on islands, the both of us.

  6. Yeah, exactly.

    The good news is ... the snow melted overnight!

  7. HA HA HA! Love that outfit you posted. I got such a chuckle out of it, I had to share your post with the rest of my family. So funny!

  8. wow...that sweater thingy is epic.
    i have no words.

    i know. i wish i could just be more fat....more insulation would be nice.
    but no matter how much and healthy and non-diet-y i eat, i stay the same size and weight. :P oy. our problems. lol.

    a good, cute, unique scarf in my favorite color is small comfort when i have to venture out. sigh.

  9. Oh how I would love some of your freezing cold weather about now. We are in the middle of summer here in Busselton, Western Australia and it has been hot,hot,hot!! Do you think you could send some of your cold winds our way? We are in for a week of 37 degrees celcius (100F) and over for the entire week. Great for the beach but with a three year old not so good past 11am. Maybe I should move to Denmark, I do prefer winter to summer.....lol

    Hope you feel warmer soon and I have to say that sweater suit thing is one of the strangest things I think I've ever seen....hehehe

  10. I love cold weather... i love warm weather too, but the cold weather reminds me that spring is around the corner. i love how clean everything looks when it's been just snowed on, it's almost like someone went out and vaccumed all of the yucky muddy nastiness off the streets and the trees look as if they're ready for a wedding. the birds are so thankful if you feed them when there is snow and they'll return the favor in the summer by hanging out close to you and singing.

    all of the seasons are perfect... winter has a charm of it's own.

  11. Your too funny...suppose you won't venture this way, last week it was about -25 during the day and without the windchill!!!


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