I am Sally Albright

I am a coffee snob.  (I can admit it now).

For example ...

When I go out for coffee, this is how I order:

I'd like a small, regular coffee, please.

What this actually means in my head:

12-16 ounces of non-acidic regular drip coffee that is not too dark but certainly not light, was brewed no more than two hours ago, and has just enough regular (non-powdered) half-n-half so that, when mixed, it becomes this perfect shade of light brown - in a to-go cup with a cardboard collar, please; no sugar.  Addendum: If the coffee is especially dark and tastes more like espresso, then I'd like one packet of regular sugar and maybe whip cream.  Addendum: If there is no half-n-half, then nothing, thank you.

Of course I'm not going to say all that because, hello, what did you think when you read it?

Wow, what a high-maintenance [fill-in-the-blank].  Am I right?

I'd much prefer the barista to think I'm just so low-maintenance that all he/she has to do is press down the little lever on the coffee canister, hand me the cup, and say, "$1.75, please."  (Unless I'm at Starbucks, in which case they say: "$1.75 and your firstborn son, please," and then hand me a cup of Pike Place that, quite frankly, tastes like pure mud .... which is why I don't go there anymore).  

But I always tip really well because ... well, you've read the above monologue.   Even if I don't actually say it out loud when I order coffee, that is essentially what I am thinking.  So I feel like I owe it to the barista (gotta' level out that karma).

Not to mention the fact that when I actually taste the coffee and discover that it is, in fact, horrible (as suspected), I will inevitably sit in a corner and stew about how nobody can make a good cup of coffee anymore.

...And now that I'm done with this rant, I'm beginning to make an unfortunate connection between myself and that scene from When Harry Met Sally.  You know, this one:

Harry Burns: There are two kinds of women: high maintenance and low maintenance. 
Sally Albright: Which one am I?
Harry Burns: You're the worst kind; you're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance.
Sally Albright: I don't see that.
Harry Burns: You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce on the side. "On the side" is a very big thing for you.
Sally Albright: Well, I just want it the way I want it.
Harry Burns: I know; high maintenance.  

Also this one:

Sally Albright: But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real; if it's out of the can then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally Albright: No, I want the pie, but then not heated. 

So there you have it.  I am Sally Albright.