Moved || New Blog Home

Hello stranger. My apologies for the long absence, but the good news is – I’m back! Only just moved.
You may now find me at:


Something to look forward to:

In celebration of the new website, I will be posting a giveaway later this week ...
As well as several new items on the etsy.

The winner will receive an 8x10 archival print by yours truly:

© Lauren Holgate 2014


A Celebration

When you become comfortable with uncertainty, infinite possibilities open up in your life. - Eckhart Tolle

Kind of love this quote. Seems fitting, especially since we have no idea where we'll be going after the holidays, or where we'll find a home. And once we do know, chances are we'll only be taking our clothing and books and one or two stuffed elephants, starting from scratch all over again. An unexpected adventure, like going to Denmark. We didn't know we'd be moving there until a couple months beforehand, and we went with basically nothing. More to the point, we had no idea where we'd live once we had arrived, and yet we were more than fine. God never fails to provide.

Things will turn up, and it's going to be some kind of grand adventure. 

... When what you see in front of you is so far outside of what you dreamed, but you have the belief, the boldness, the courage to call it beautiful instead of calling it wrong, that’s celebration.  - Shauna Niequist 


blankets, wintry-wishes, and your memory as a travel bag

Hello old friend.
I've neglected you since coming home.

With the shift in season has come a shift in mood, a desire to hibernate like a bear underneath a pile of familiar blankets from my childhood.

Incidentally, I've developed an uncommon attraction to photos of warm blankets, as well.

s o u r c e

Pre-wintry-wants aside, things have been pleasantly busy: seeing friends and family, visiting old haunts, getting comfortable with driving again (after a two-year hiatus), replacing clothing and shoes that fell apart in Europe, selling out the etsy stock and creating new, teaching Isaac, mountain runs and blanket-making (yes, I am also making a blanket), and planning out and waiting on news for the new year (and where we'll go next).

I am excited about the idea of having a home again, after weeks (months!) of travel and hotels and b&b's and friendly basements. At the same time, I am drawn to this quote (as always):

Own only what you can always carry with you: know languages, know countries, know people. Let your memory be your travel bag.  
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

No matter where we end up, I will always be a nomad at heart. With many travel plans in the making, waiting.

By the way ...
If you owned only what you could carry ...

What would you own?


They Say Familiar Mountains

Let my life smell of pines and resound with the hum of insects.
R.W. Emerson (re-worded slightly)


They say familiar mountains will always call you back, and even though they are also changing, it is the change in yourself you will notice most.

This time of year, the trees are red and gold; their leaves swirl in mid-air, a lazy, final leap.

Some pines have fallen or been cut down, while young ones grow up in between. You will think of how much older you are, and of the things you have collected and brought with you: new habits and ideas, confidences and insecurities.

But you won't forget how those branches were once a ship at sea, or that hillside an entire village laid out with small stones. How you hid in the cylinder beneath the dirt road, building dams in the creek water that trickled from one side to the other. Or where you found the bleating orphaned fawn, and where you set it free again, after you'd kept it for awhile.

Your child plays in the woods like you once did, and you watch on, amazed.



I want to know what you think of your first name

I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word 'home' means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mother’s name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were eight. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? ... Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mother’s joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds.

- Andrea Gibson


etsy sale

Going to be filling the shop with new illustrations come the new year, which means ... I'm having a big sale! Originals from $10-$15, prints at $5. 

If you order two or more items that may be shipped together within the USA, send me a message and I will waive shipping on all but one item!

shop >> ladaisi >> http://ladaisi.etsy.com



I am finally back in the States, after a harrowing (yes, harrowing) journey involving three countries, three planes, an absurd number of long lines and security checks (including a guard who demanded to know why I was ‘stationed’ in Denmark and was their food better than ours?), a disheartening delay in D.C., and twenty-six hours without sleep, followed by three transfers by car to finally arrive at my parent’s house in the mountains … two days later. 

I do not recommend my cheap travel habits. Especially when transporting half your worldly possessions and an exhausted, crying child across the Atlantic with you. This dawned on me (as it always does) when the pilot who was supposed to be taking us on the last leg of our journey said, “Yeah, I just talked to my buddy, who is flying the plane you need. It had to have maintenance before its last trip, and now it’s on its way to Detroit.”

And then, a few hours later, after hauling my carry-on (of bricks) up a flight of stairs to board the tardy plane, I was told that I couldn’t take it with me because “wheeled luggage isn’t allowed.” 

“But it’s all breakables!” I protested.

“Sorry, lady.”

I stood there for a moment beside my forlorn five-year-old, blocking the point of entry for all other passengers, dumbfounded, exhausted, on the verge of laughing hysterically or kicking someone in the shins. Instead I tripped, fell on top of all my breakables, and started crying. The embarrassed attendant awkwardly stammered, “I’ll take it back down for you,” and hightailed it out of there, and I somehow managed to find my seat without terrifying anyone else (minus the man whose foot I had previously run over with my ‘wheeled luggage’- whoever you are, I am genuinely sorry. I would have apologized had any of this registered before now).

It was a fantastic day.
A week later, and I am still recovering.


Our first week home has been a festival of welcome-home meals, a birthday party for my now six-year-old son, and a post-wedding cookout to make up for a previously missed celebration … The opposite of my last week in Denmark, spent having farewell dinners and hyggelig eftermiddagskaffe & kage with Danish friends. 

I am so happy to be home again with my family.
I dearly miss my friends across the Atlantic.

The many goodbyes brought to mind what a beautiful, nomadic, uprooted two years it has been.

We have lived out of hotels, hostels, B&B's, and apartments that have been much too large and much too small. We have been hosted by friend, family, and stranger, been immersed in a multicultural sea of people, food, and temperature, and found ourselves hopelessly lost in foreign countries. We have explored.

Even more, we have learned things about ourselves we never knew – like what a beautiful, growing thing it is to adjust to a new culture, and what a beautiful, freeing thing it is to live without things you once took for granted. 

You stand outside your own comfort zone and you let yourself take it all in – this place, this culture, that person, their language, this moment.

And you miss it, when you’re gone.


this is now, and now, and now

Remember, remember, this is now, and now, and now. Live it, feel it.
Syliva Plath

s o u r c e

s o u r c e

s o u r c e

s o u r c e

s o u r c e

m i n e

s o u r c e

[ a few things i found inspiring this morning ]



This last weekend we visited some dear friends on the beautiful island of Bornholm.

From Wikipedia: Bornholm ([bɒːnˈhʌlˀm]; Old Norse: Burgundaholmr, meaning 'the island of the Burgundians') is a Danish island in the Baltic Sea ... The main industries on the island include fishing, arts and crafts such as glass making and pottery using locally worked clay, dairy farming, and summer tourism ... The topography of the island consists of dramatic rock formations in the north, pine and deciduous forests, farmland, and sandy beaches in the south.

Such a peaceful place to be.

Sea-side walks and castle ruins, colorful towns and a salty fish buffet, ice cream cones and glass shops.

Hope to go back someday, maybe in summer.

... And they may never get rid of me.

Many thanks to Hasse and Gitte, Natasja and Teresa and Johanna. We will miss you all!


I Forget The Rest

[ source ]

We were together. I forget the rest. - Walt Whitman

And other quotes I loved and wanted to keep:

I want to write a novel about silence…the things people don’t say.  - Virginia Woolf

I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness. A quiet secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one’s neighbor—such is my idea of happiness. And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children perhaps—what can more the heart of man desire?  - Leo Tolstoy

I realized
you’re not
my cup of tea.
I drink coffee.

You can never get enough of nature. To be surrounded by it is to be stilled. It salves the heart. The mountains, the trees, the endless plains. The moon, the myriad of stars. Every man can be made quiet and complete.  - Arthur Burns

When you’re traveling, you are what you are, right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.  - William Least Heat-Moon

If tomorrow, women woke up and decided they really liked their bodies, just think how many industries would go out of business.  - Dr. Gail Dines 

I’m doing badly, I’m doing well, whichever you prefer.  - Franz Kafka, Letters to Milena

If nothing else, one day you can look someone straight in the eyes and say, 'But I lived through it. And it made me who I am today'.  - Iain S. Thomas

Stop waiting for the perfect moment. It will never arrive. There are no perfect moments sweetheart. We choose our moments and I want you to start choosing yours and start choosing now. Time will not wait for you and I don’t want you to miss out on your life because you’ve been patiently waiting on the sidelines thinking you have to stay there. You don’t have to sit this life out, your life out. You have a whole field in front of you for you to discover and run around in. It is there for you, let your feet press down on the earth and then start running, start discovering, and never stop. 
- Acoustic Imagery

My shadow said to me:
what is the matter,
Isn’t the moon warm
enough for you
why do you need
the blanket of another body?

- Margaret Atwood, from “The Shadow Voice"


A Monster in the Shower Named William ... And Other Stories

Otherwise Titled: My Kid Since March 

3/31/13 - After skyping with my family tonight:
Isaac: I want to go home.
Me: Me too. Isaac (to Tim): You say NO flying home to Grandpa and Grandma. Why? That's bad!

4/1/13 - This morning when Isaac sneezed on his shirt, and I told him to go change it because he'd gotten snot all over himself, he said, "That is not snot, mama! That is bless-you!"

4/7/13 - Isaac has recently adopted this incredibly endearing habit, wherein he answers any questions he dislikes by saying 'I can't hear that.' It makes me the happiest mother alive.

4/12/13 - We just told Isaac to go to bed and he said, "You're not my mom and dad. My mom and dad are clouds." Whatever that means, little stinker.  

4/17/13 - Isaac insisted I turn the couch into a train, and then sit in it for half an hour so he could yell at me 'SIT STILL! I'M THE CAPTAIN OF THIS TRAIN! NOW YOU WALK!' ... I never get to be the captain of the train, and I'm the one who bought the stupid couch in the first place. Boo.

4/18/13 - Woke up to the sound of Isaac screaming "IT'S MONDAY! I WANT TO SWING IN THE BAG!" (He gets his days mixed-up, and thinks the huge Ikea bag is a swing). And then, "DRAW ME A DRAGON ELBOW!" (No idea. I tried, Tim tried, nothing would please the kid. There are a lot of discarded elbow drawings lying around, but I'm pretty sure he knows what an elbow is now.) And then, as the boys were getting ready to walk out the door, he started singing: "WE MISSED THE BUS, WE MISSED THE BUS, WE MISSED THE BUS!" And they did. ... It's been an eventful, elbowful second-Monday morning.

4/18/13 - Isaac brings home a new stick from school everyday. They increase in size as the week progresses and then start all over again on Monday. Last Friday, we ended up with a 6-ft-long stick that he insisted was a Christmas tree. Today, it was an honest-to-goodness log. If he tries to bring home Noah's ark tomorrow, I swear I won't bat an eye.

4/19/13 - Whenever Isaac gets asked what he wants to be when he grows up (why do adults insist on asking this of toddlers?), he says "small" or "Isaac, a tiny one." I'm so lucky; my kid is Peter Pan.

4/22/13 - We're having a family movie night with pizza. Watching See Spot Run. I thought Isaac would like this movie, however, I'm rethinking it now.
Regarding the two postmen, he said: Mama, they're coooool.
Me: No, they're stupid and immature; you can't be either of them.

4/23/13 - Isaac said: Mama! I have a spirit! It's a blue ball and it bounces high! 

4/23/13 - Asked Isaac what he thought his dad did at work, and he said, "He drives the train, and gets your mail and my mail on Tuesday, and finds the cookies and the movies on the computer, but he is NOT the captain of the train. I am the captain of the train." ... Good thing we have that cleared up.

5/1/13 - Isaac just brought me a stack of books to read to him, and said, "Okay I got them. We have pirate, we have Jesus, we have monkey-talk." (How I Became A Pirate, Read-Aloud Bible Stories Vol. 1, Curious George Storybook.)

5/4/13 - Isaac just walked up to me, pulled down his pants, and said: In the morning it's big and tall, it's magic! But now it's dead, it's broke. See?
Me: Huh. Go talk to your dad.

5/5/13 - When Isaac says 'magic' it comes out sounding like 'maggots'. I'm so happy to have finally realized this, especially after all those times we were eating and he'd yell (for no apparent reason): "MAMA! IT'S MAGGOTS!"

5/7/13 - On the bus today I saw a kid that looked exactly like Isaac, only 4 or 5 years older. Same hair, same blue eyes, even the same color clothing as Isaac wore today. He turned around and grinned at me and for a split second I felt like a time traveler. Then The Real Isaac dumped his sandbox shoe out on the floor next to me, said "MOOOOM, MOOOOVE!" (he thinks he should sit by himself on the bus now), and I snapped out of it.

5/7/13 - The Train Anecdote: On our way to Vineyard camp a couple weeks ago, Isaac spotted a member of the train crew. His face immediately lit up with excitement and awe - as if he'd seen Santa Claus or something, and he literally shouted, "HI CAPTAIN OF THE TRAIN !!!"

5/23/13 - This morning my alarm clock was a five-year-old redhead, flexing his arms and screaming at my sleeping face: LOOK! I HAVE MUSCLES !!!

5/25/13 - Isaac has moved into the Why Phase. He'll be telling me an incredibly long story (that never does end; in fact, he's still telling it), and somewhere in the middle he'll stop and ask 'what's that?' almost like he forgot the word (only in this case, he just doesn't know it yet). So I'll explain and then he'll just stare at me, and say, 'why?'. Only it's an incredulous 'why', the kind that implies another question, such as: what is WRONG with this planet? ... And I'm at a loss. Where to begin?

6/5/13 - Isaac drew me a mermaid. It is the most terrifying picture anyone has ever given me.

6/10/13 - Isaac just drew a bunch of spirals and then said, "LOOK AT MY PICTURE! An ear hole, an ear hole, an ear hole, an ear hole, an ear hole ..." (?)

6/13/13 - Isaac today: "I love pretty girls. I love Liv and Amelia and Marianna and ..." Just my luck, I'm raising a little player.

6/16/13 - When he got out of the shower today, Isaac looked in the mirror and said, "OH NO. My hair is going brown. I have rainbow hair. I WANT PERFECT ORANGE!" 

6/19/13 - When I gave Isaac his breakfast this morning, he said, "Good job, Lauren." Little stinker.

6/20/13 - The neighbors replaced their toilet this morning, so the old one was sitting outside in the grass all day. Isaac found this alarming. The first thing he did after coming home was run into the bathroom and yell, "OH GOOD. At least WE still have a toilet."

6/26/13 - This is my daily alarm clock:
"Uhh, no."
"Because it's not October 17th."
"Because it's June."
"Because it is."
"I don't know."
"Oh. Is it YOUR birthday?"
... And then we go through it ALL OVER AGAIN. At least twice more.

6/26/13 - Isaac just walked in the door with a big old Magic Marker Mario mustache on his face. Exactly what I was hoping would happen on Wednesday.

6/28/13 - I will never understand why Isaac must transfer an entire sheet of stickers onto a single piece of copy paper IN THE EXACT SAME ORDER as they were sold. I'm not allowed to help anymore because I tried to put one on my face.

6/30/13 - A little bedtime game:
"Okay, mama. You a bird, I'm a crap."
"What?" (Sorry kid, I have no idea how to play this game.)
"You a bird, I'm a crap."
"Oh, a CRAB."
"Yes, a crap."
"CRAB. B."
"I KNOW." (Finally, she gets it. Silly woman.) "I'M A CRAP."
... Well, there are worse things. I suppose.

7/1/13 - Isaac and I have been playing a lot of hide-and-seek lately, only he calls it '1-2-3 HIDE'. It's a definite challenge when you are a minimalist living in a studio apartment. He is (somehow) endlessly surprised that it isn't actually ME hiding under the covers - it's the big stuffed elephant. He throws back the blanket, screams 'YOU DID THAT?!' and cracks up laughing, as if it didn't just happen twenty times in the last half hour. Someday he is going to look back on his childhood and wonder if his mother was dim-witted, but for now he thinks I'm brilliant so I'm happy.

7/2/13 - Isaac is moving the library future around and screaming "MAMA LOOK! I AM STRONG!!!" I'm pretending I don't know him. The librarians are going to blame that red headed mother over there for all the noise. MWAHAHA!

7/6/13 - As we're leaving the building, Isaac stops in front of our neighbor's apartment, stands directly in front of their wide-open double door, and yells, "MAMA! I want to watch that!" and points (at the people inside). Luckily it was just the (adult male) neighbor with the teddy bear, otherwise we'd probably have to move now. 

7/6/13 - I have Disciple on while I work. Just noticed my kid standing out on the deck wearing his Machu Picchu Llama shirt doing some kind of interpretational Tai Chi in time with 'O God Save Us All'. I cannot stop laughing.

7/8/13 - Isaac told us about school today. This was (apparently) the highlight: "A boy peed outside on the flowers. It happened. He got in trouble. Tissermand udenfor. Like this." [Funny dance] "NO PEEING ON FLOWERS! ONLY BUSHES!" ... Good talk.

7/14/13 - Isaac's been particularly theatrical this weekend, abruptly yelling out "LIMBO!" (wherever we happen to be) and then trying to walk under things ... tables, chairs, his own arm, someone's legs.

7/24/13 - Isaac stayed home all day today. I said, 'Since you're here, you have to help me clean up the apartment.' To which he replied, 'NO! That is NOT deal!' 

7/30/13 - I just told Isaac he was not allowed to tape things (drawings, receipts, trash, stuff he found on the ground) to our windows. So he left the apartment and taped them to the communal elevator outside. Now, normally I'd tell him to take them down, but seeing as our neighbors have used up the entire courtyard space with two plastic pools, a purple couch, a brown office chair, a black office chair, a vandalized picnic table, and a rapidly growing collection of empty alcohol containers ... I don't care.

7/30/13 - Isaac has memorized the months of the year, all by himself, minus November and December. His recited calendar ends like this: "... July, August, 'eptember, OCTOBER 17TH MY BIRTHDAY!" ... Because, really, what is the point in continuing with the year once his birthday is over?

8/4/13 - This evening, Isaac matter-of-factly informed our dinner guest that 'Mama has hair out of a box [dyed], Daddy has no hair [shaved], and everybody loves my orange hair the most [humble, clearly].' 

8/8/13 - Today I feel less adult and more kid. I had rice krispies for breakfast which always makes me irrationally happy; Isaac made me wear his paper pirate patch after school and reprimanded me for using the wrong colors in his coloring book; I got hit on by a teenager at the bus stop (what kind of a pick-up line is 'you are beautiful so I will have your number' anyway? Do YOU think he should've been surprised when I laughed at him?); and Isaac made us sit directly behind the bus driver, where my feet don't reach the floor, and yelled, "HAHA MAMA YOU ARE TOO TINY!" ... And now I am watching Peter Pan (what else). THINK OF A WONDERFUL THOUGHT! ANY MERRY LITTLE THOUGHT!

8/10/13 - Went on a little tour of the Roskilde Cathedral this morning. Isaac played tour guide, since he had been there before on a fieldtrip. He was entertaining for all the tourists, because he kept saying "DON'T STEP ON THAT!" whenever there was a grave in the floor (of which there were many), and also "It's okay, mama! It's not spooky!" whenever there were skulls (of which there were many)

8/13/13 - Me: Hi Isaac! Ready to go home?
Me: Oh. Did you have a good day?
Isaac: I don't play. Nobody hit me. We had apples. I washed my hands once. I'm going to eat your jacket.
Me: Um. Why?
Isaac: It looks like broccoli.
Me: Well geez, thanks kid. What do you have in your pockets?
[Empties pockets. Three rocks, two snail shells, a stick, someone's hair tie, someone's ID, someone's bike light, a crumpled drawing of a fat face, and All The Sand.]
Me: Clepto.
Isaac: Marianna gave it to me.
Me: I highly doubt your teacher gave you that stuff. Can I have a kiss?
Isaac: Tomorrow.

8/15/13 - Sometimes you are late, and all your clothes are wrong (because you are a woman), and you change ten times and end up in the same outfit you started in, and your five-year-old (who has been standing by the door, tapping his foot), says, "That's the one, Lauren. Let's go." ... No? This only happens to me?

8/19/13 - Took Isaac on a little trip to BauHaus, which felt remarkably like all those endless hours we spent in Lowes when he was a baby (because I love hardware stores), only this time, instead of chilling in his stroller, he was walking beside me yelling "I NEED A DINGBELL! WHERE ARE THE DINGBELLS?!" Which is apparently what he thinks a doorbell is called.

8/20/13 - The Jehovah Witnesses came for a visit today (naturally, since I have a fever). I couldn't hide because the door was wide open when they arrived, and Isaac clearly thought they had come to discuss his birthday. The best plan would've been to let them convert me in Danish (smile and nod), but my charming son immediately informed them that "Mama speaks English! I'm Isaac! I speak Danish! My birthday is October 17th! I have a bike! I'm going to see Grandma for three months! I live here! It's almost my birthday! BIIIIRRRRTTTHHHHDDDAAAYYYY!" ... And of course they fell in love with him and will probably come back and move in.

8/30/13 - Today is Isaac's last day at børnehaven, so we are headed out the door with 3-dozen cupcakes for his classroom (the Sea Lions) to decorate, and the thing he is most concerned about is that his socks be matching. Sometimes when you live in a studio apartment, you put all the socks in one drawer so it is essentially impossible to find a match (in fact, I don't think they actually exist). I've long since adopted the theory that hey, he's 5, it's adorable when his socks don't match (and hey, I'm 27, I don't care when my socks don't match) ... but Isaac is convinced it will, in fact, kill him to wear the spaceship sock with the snowflake sock. I'm beginning to wonder if he's actually my son.

8/31/13 - Isaac is over there, playing with legos. I am listening in, because I do that sometimes. At first it was normal boy stuff. You know, 'I got you! I am a pirate! Arrrgh!' and then it turned into something else entirely: 'I am a bad boy with a mustache, I am a bad boy with a mustache, bad boy mustache' ... ?

9/16/13 - Isaac and I are on a rainy date in downtown Zurich today. His table manners may leave something to be desired, but he did insist on carrying the umbrella for me through the morning downpour. Of course, I'm too tall for his umbrella, so ... things are going swimmingly.

9/18/13 - Every time we check into a new hotel (apartment, B&B, hostel, basement), Isaac is SUPER excited and says "IS THIS MY ROOM?! I HAVE A BATHROOM?! I HAVE A BED! IS THIS MY CHAIR?!" And then rearranges all of our stuff fifty times over so I can't find it. Having a TV is also new to him. He loves the commercials. He just told me he needs better laundry detergent because there was a commercial about how most detergents don't get bacteria out of clothing. (Shoot, I was hoping he wouldn't turn out so much like me ...)

9/26/13 - Eating cold cereal from styrofoam makes me think of my dad, and camping expeditions in Oregon. Only instead I am actually having breakfast with Isaac in Denmark, on the floor of our empty studio apt. - almost like camping except we still have a bed and a coffee maker (which is the important thing anyway). I hope he appreciates this experience when he's older, although he may only remember the part where he asked for coffee and I gave him hot chocolate and he got mad.

9/26/13 - My kid is turning into a little smarty pants. Today when told he MUST eat something he said 'Okay fine smart guy', and then he smacked my butt and said 'You are adorable!'

9/27/13 - His favorite movie may be Wreck-It Ralph (and he may be a little parrot), but when he walked up to me and said "Mama, you are one dynamite girl" yesterday, my heart melted.

9/30/13 -
Me: Go take a shower, kiddo.
Him: I can't. It's too dangerous.
Me: Well that's a new one.
Him: It's scary. It's too hot. I could slip. Soap will get in my eye. I don't like it. I'm not dirty. There is a spooky monster in the shower named William who eats people.

... Shoot. This is going to be more complicated than I realized.