3/4/13

should i be


should i be bold enough to speak, in this moment? a reverent heart must surely be unbroken, with no regrets ... should i be ... lost in forgetfulness? with no regrets in my head, faithfully shed.  - j. knapp


I'm sad.

I've been feeling sad for awhile now. I can see it in my eyes when I look in the mirror.

It is a culmination of things: a homesickness, a mental exhaustion, an imbalance, a lack. 
Wintry fears, queuing.

These old moods resurface, and I worry.
Will it become a depression?

I downplay my depressions because, in retrospect, they seem vague. Deep, sad, often ugly; but vague.

Once, as a child, I had a close call with drowning. 
I remember the way it felt to be under the water, thrashing; looking up but seeing nothing. 
Trace of panic, settling.

This is how my depressions begin.

I will grasp on to the smallest things - the little bit of paper that falls out of a book, something my kid drew; the way that plant looks on the windowsill, tendrils reaching hopefully toward the sun.  It gets harder to think, to stir.

There have been periods of time I cannot leave my home, I am so deep in it. 

Worse still is when the panic subsides, and I feel loss. A great loss of something significant to me; something I cannot place.

An inability to care.

And then, eventually - inexplicably - 
it ends. 

As if I made it up. I will occasionally convince myself I did.  


...  Do you ever feel this way?


free from the worry, free from the dark that lives in me
free to embark on the passion you've favorably fashioned in me


11 comments:

  1. I'm really sorry that you're going through this. I've certainly felt this way. It's scary when the I-cannot-leave-this-house thing happens and I completely understand grasping onto those simple life-lines. The little things become so important. It's when you stop grasping for them that it gets dangerous, you know? Sometimes I wonder, if I didn't have my son to keep me going how much worse could it get? If there was no one counting on me? And it's terrible when the guilt comes into play, and worse when sometimes other people don't understand that it's not a choice. It is odd how when it passes it almost seems like maybe it was just a dream (or nightmare.)

    Hopefully once you and the boys are permanently stateside, (and living in a much sunnier environment!) you'll get some relief. I think it was really brave of you to write this with such honesty.

    That passage you shared is so perfect. What a dream come true it would be to have that freedom.

    I remember once upon a time I was having a string of mucky days and I wrote about it on my little blog and you stopped by and were nice enough to say, "I also feel this way sometimes. You are not alone in this." What a gift those words were to me at that time. You are certainly not alone, either. Hang in there! Grab on to the tendrils of the plants if you have to! Whatever it takes. ;)

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    1. Thanks, Jennifer. Your comments on my blog always cheer me up, and I appreciate the empathy, so so much.

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  2. I have found not trying to make sense of the ups and downs has actually been quite releasing. We can soldier on, trying to live up to the expectations (whether they be real or perceived)of ourselves and others - or we can simply be - accepting the emotional space we are in and holding onto our history - that this too will pass.
    For a long time I was ashamed of myself because I suffered from anxiety and depression. I saw myself as being lesser, needy and often a wasted space. I now embrace the fact that this is part of who I am and believe the insights and understandings about life I have gained as a consequence have made me a better person.
    Your words reveal a sensitive soul and it would appear quite common that those who have this in their DNA are also likely to deal with the challenges of depression. I hope it is of some encouragement that you are not alone on this journey - you have many fellow travellers. To have experienced is to understand - no matter the differences, the similarities can be remarkable. Be good to yourself.

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    1. Thank you for sharing about your own experiences with this. There is so much here I could quote, especially 'accepting the emotional space we are in.' I hadn't thought of it like this before.

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  3. oh do i know this one!! it's been a good while since i've had a bout of depression, but still, when i feel sad, i worry that it's coming back.

    I'm trying to learn to embrace these emotions, to accept the sadness and not see it as a precurser of something else.

    To allow myself time and space to just be, to not beat myself up if i don't feel like leaving the house.

    love you lady xox and i'm here if ever you want to chat :)

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    1. Thank you Polly. This means a lot, especially about not beating yourself up for the space you need ... I read a quote that reminds me of how I treat myself: it's hard to be happy when someone is mean to you all the time. ... Why do we do this?

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  4. oh, Lauren. this is so beautifully written and so heart-breaking. i just want to hug you right now.

    i'm really thankful you've wrote this because i've felt like this on a regular basis since the new year. only now, once the sun has started coming out, have i started to feel any reprieve. it's amazing how the warmth helps so much. i so wish for that for you.

    i also find it incredible that you write about that deep sense of loss, one that you can't place. that's often how i feel when struggling with depression and i always wondered if maybe there was something i should know that i didn't.

    i'm so sorry you're feeling like this. i hope the sun comes out for you soon, that you find good company to share your days with and laugh with and make memories with. i hope you find beautiful pictures to take and beautiful sights to see and make plans you can look forward to. i hope you read good quotes from good books and listen to good music and see pictures that inspire you and propel you forward.

    i feel like God does give us those things, those moments of beauty, to remind us why we trudge on through the darkness. because, in those moments, we know that it's worth it. that there's still a place for us.

    i hope you know that you're absolutely not alone and i hope that you keep sharing your heart because it's beautiful, even in sadness. and i hope the sun comes out for you soon and that you find that thing that your heart is missing.

    <3

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  5. p.s. i love this. so good.

    "free from the worry, free from the dark that lives in me
    free to embark on the passion you've favorably fashioned in me"

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    1. Thank you for your beautiful reply, Charla! And for reminding me about how God uses those small moments to draw us out of our darkness. And for your honesty.

      The song lyrics at top and bottom of post are by Jennifer Knapp; a beautiful song.

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  6. This is speaking right out of my soul. I feel that way far too often...I don't want to leave my house either. I want to stay in my safe place...
    I hope you feel better soon - don't beat yourself up for your feelings! They are yours and they are important to process something...feel hugged xxx

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    1. Thank you Chrissy, and back at you!

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