Wrong Inflection. I have a kid?
I have to keep reminding myself that Isaac is my child. I still feel too much like a daughter to be a mother, roles I find difficult to balance. I realized while holding Isaac today that I was unconsciously thinking of him as a sibling, or an older friend's infant, someone I might baby-sit but hardly my own. Someone said of him, "Oh, he just wanted his mommy," and I agreed before realizing they were speaking of me. He sees me differently than others. He sees me like I saw my parents as a child, and I am not ready to be seen in that light. I am not quite ready to have him think me perfect. But I wasn't ready to give birth, either, and here I am. Life has such a way with surprises.
I wonder how much I'd experience if I were always given the choice?
aaaw... don't worry. You and Tim are doing a great job. Isaac is getting so much love--now i'm starting to sound like a hippy or flower child... where's the love man? Don't worry that age where you finally understand that your parents don't know everything is not coming fast... lol... you know what? When we first heard you were pregnant I was on the computer down here (of course) and Luke comes running down, "Lauren's pregnant!" But it sounded more like a question... I was like, "what? Yeah right... ha. Luke, no you're wrong." Well like a week or so later when you guys visited Tim said something about it and I was like, "Oh my gosh! For real? I thought you guys were joking!" lol... I'm so glad you were though and that you had Isaac. I think then was as good as any time to get pregnant. Because who knows how long it'd be before you actually decided for yourself when you wanted a kid. ;P
ReplyDeletei would never experience anything outside of a bag of popcorn and knitting if i had a choice. =) just kidding.
ReplyDeleteand you were totally sniffing before i got to your house.
I think soon, you'll be glad you don't. Mommy didn't want to have kids when she had Sarah. She told me one night she looked over at the crib and the moonlight shining over sleeping-baby-Sarah and she thought "She's so perfect. And she's mine."
ReplyDeleteNot that I know from personal experience, but Mommy has told me that motherhood takes getting used to, but getting used to it makes all the more beautiful.
I like your knew blog! very pretty. :)
how do i subscribe??
ReplyDeletethat is so fascinating.
ReplyDeletei have a feeling that i'll go through a lot of that someday. feeling more like a sister than anything else....
i'll email you to talk through it. lol.